


Knife in my heart

by Duckyfucky



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Also I suck at summaries so Ctrl+C Ctrl+V, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Getting Together, I believe in my baby Alec, It's like 2AM I don't know what to tag, M/M, Nobody is going to die tonight, Self-Harm, This is also on wattpad, fluff?, idk - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-19
Updated: 2017-08-19
Packaged: 2018-12-17 11:41:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11850831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Duckyfucky/pseuds/Duckyfucky
Summary: "Magnus...no," Alec says softly and pushes Magnus away from him."I'm sorry. It's too much." He says and tries to ignore the heartbreak on Magnus' faceMagnus looks at Alec with sadness in his eyes "Please. Alec. I'm sorry""Magnus, last time you told me that, I trusted you. Look at where we are now," he says, and looks at the knife, aimed at his heart.





	Knife in my heart

"Magnus...no," Alec says softly and pushes Magnus away from him.  
"I'm sorry. It's too much." He says and tries to ignore the heartbreak on Magnus' face  
Magnus looks at Alec with sadness in his eyes "Please. Alec. I'm sorry"  
"Magnus, last time you told me that, I trusted you. Look at where we are now," he says, and looks at the knife, aimed at his heart.

_______________________________________

Alec looked happy. He smiled often and told jokes. I mean, why not? He had two loving parents, a brother who was also his parabatai and a sister who supported him, whatever he did. And of course, the perfect boyfriend in the world.  
But was he really happy? No.  
He used humor to hide his insecurities. His parents would hate him if they found out he was gay. His siblings never listened to him. And Magnus was just being Magnus. Always telling Alec how pretty he was, how cute his blushing was. How perfect he was.  
But those were lies. Alec knew that Magnus was lying. He knew he wasn't pretty. Or cute. Or Perfect. He was ugly and fat and he looked like somebody out of a horror movie. He still wonders why Magnus chose him. Out of pity, probably. Or maybe somebody paid him?

Well, whatever the reason was, it didn't matter. He didn't belong here. That's why he's sitting on the bathroom floor and cutting himself. He just hoped that he didn't spill any blood on the floor, or else Magnus would notice. He tied a bandage around his arm and after he had hidden the razor (he taped it under the sink), he left the bathroom and continued his day, waiting until Magnus came back home.

"Hey Mags," Alec greeted Magnus as he heard the front door open, sitting up on the sofa, "you hungry?"

Magnus came over to Alec, giving him a quick peck on the lips. "I'm always hungry for you," he told Alec with a smile. Alec could feel himself blushing. Magnus let out a small chuckle and hugged him, "But yes, I'm actually really hungry." "Great. Pasta?"  
"Sounds good."  
Alec made his way to the kitchen and finds the supplies needed. Magnus always told him that he could just magic up some food, but Alec didn't want that. He loved to be in the kitchen. As he's halfway through the cooking, he can feel Magnus sliding his hands around his waist.  
"Hey, hot stuff." Alec turns around and kisses Magnus lightly on the nose.  
"Hey to you too. The pasta is almost ready. Go find us some plates."  
As Magnus leaves, Alec turns around and tugs down his sleeve, which had rolled up slightly.

After eating dinner and cleaning the dishes, Magnus summoned some popcorn and they spent the rest of the night watching movies and just enjoying each other company.  
"You sleepy yet?" Magnus asked Alec when it was around midnight. Instead of an answer, he heard a soft snore coming from Alec. Magnus chuckled and kissed Alec on the lips. Alec always looked so... sweet and innocent while sleeping. No need to worry about the institute and his family. He picked Alec up bridal style and carried him to their shared bedroom. He placed Alec gently on the bed and was about to get changed when he noticed something on Alec's sleeve. Blood? He took a closer look, and yep, it was a small bloodstain. Alec wasn't hunting today, so how did it get there? Maybe he injured himself and didn't want Magnus to know, just as always? Magnus smiled at his own thoughts. Alec never asked for his help, even if he was about to die. He rolled Alec's sleeve up, and this wasn't definitely a small injury. It was the word freak, carved into Alec's arm. It took all of his self-control not to start crying. Did Alec do this to himself? He decided to check his other arm, just to make sure it was only a small misunderstanding. Maybe a demon had done this? He had heard of demons carving words onto people's skin. But no, there were more cuts. Some older, some newer, and one... one that looked fairly new. He rolled the sleeves back down and sat next to sleeping Alec on the bed. He looked so peaceful like this. And that's why he couldn't understand why. Alec was always happy. And smiling. Why would he do this? 

When Alec woke up the next morning, Magnus was nowhere to be seen. Weird, he thought. Maybe Magnus had an early client he forgot to mention? It has happened way to often for Alec to be surprised anymore. Since it was already quite late, he decided to have quick shower and text Magnus later. Afte the shower, he started changing to his hunting gear. About halfway through, he heard a quiet sniffle from the living room. Was it Magnus? Why was he crying? He walked to the living room, only to find Magnus sitting on the couch, eyes red and puffy. He walked up to him and slowly, as if not to scare him, gave him a hug. 

"What's wrong Mags?" he asked in a soft voice.  
Magnus just sat there, looking out the window.  
"Magnus? What's wrong?" Alec asked more sternly. Did somebody die? Magnus rose up slowly, not making eye contact with him. Alec grabbed his chin and turned his head, so he had no other choice but to look at him.  
"Magnus, what happened?" Magnus just hugged Alec tightly. Alec returned the hug, but after a few moments pushed him back. He still needed an answer. Magnus grabbed both of his arms, and slowly, as if not to scare him, started rolling up one of his sleeves. It only took Alec a few seconds to react.  
"Oh..." was all he said, understanding, before running out of the apartment and leaving Magnus behind, who was now sobbing uncontrollably. 

It's been 5 hours since Alec ran off. 5 hours of Magnus crying and trying to contact Alec. No luck. He didn't answer his phone, his siblings didn't know where he was, and he hasn't contacted his parents. Where was he? He tried tracking him, but Alec had the block rune activated. The only thing he was sure of, was that Alec was still alive. Jace told him that during his visit to the institute before. They offered to help him, but their parents decided that hunting demons was more important than searching for their own child. After using his magic to make Maryse's food taste like shit he left the institute, promising Jace and Isabelle he will find Alec. Alive. It was nearly dawn now, and Magnus was getting more and more worried. What if he had been killed by some weirdos on the street and Jace couldn't feel it? What if he was lost? What if-... he couldn't end that thought because suddenly his phone vibrated. Could it be Alec? Faster than any human could, he grabbed his phone and unlocked it. It was a message a from Alec! During those few seconds the message loaded, Magnus felt a range of emotions. All of a sudden he felt sad, angry, happy, betrayed even. Why hadn't Alec told him anything? Didn't he trust him? But when the message finally loaded, Magnus swore he couldn't breathe. On the screen, there were five words. Five words that made him cry again.

"It was nice knowing you."

_________________________________

At least it was warm. When he had ran out from the apartment, he forgot to grab his jacket. So now, he was sitting on the railing of Golden Gate bridge. Thank the Angel he had his stele with him. He drew the block and invisibility runes on his arms, just in case some Mundanes saw him. He saw Magnus earlier, probably looking for him. He decided to hid under the bridge. What was he doing here? After he saw him leave, he sat back on the railing. It has been a few hours and he's still not sure. Should he jump, or should he go back? He wasn't sure. If he decided to go back, what would happen? Would Magnus laugh at him? Would he tell his siblings? Has he already told? Are they worried? Are they happy? Sad? Do his parents know? Oh god, his parents. They must be really happy. I mean, their useless son will finally be dead. No, he can't go back.

About half an hour later he had decided. He opened his phone and sent Magnus a simple message. "It was nice knowing you." After that, he climbed down the railing and started walking towards the drug store.  
"Hi, my head is aching. Could you just give me something cheap?" He said as he entered the store. He didn't know much about mundane medicine, but he had heard some people kill themselves with pills.  
"Oh yeah, no problem," a man with brown hair and wide eyes replied.  
"Here, try these. It would be 2 dollars."  
Alec paid and walked out without another glance at the cashier. He walked to the park. It was nice there. There were some mundanes there, but they couldn't see him. So he walked. And walked. He walked until he reached a big oak tree. He sat down on a log that must have fallen down and opened the bottle. Without hesitation, he swallowed the whole bottle. 

The pills tasted... sweet? What? Is this how pills are supposed to taste? He waited about 10 minutes, and nothing happened. Were the pills too weak? He didn't understand. What had he done wrong? He knew it was possible to die from an overdose. Without realizing it, he started crying. He can't even die! What is wrong with him? He's too weak to even die. Why didn't he just jump off the bridge? He felt himself getting more tired and tired. Aha! The pills did work. Alec could feel himself smiling. He knew it. Still crying, Alec felt himself shutting his eyes and falling into a deep sleep.

 

When he woke up, he was pretty confused. Where was he? Why was he not dead? Why is somebody crying?

He slowly opened his eyes and wished he never did. Magnus was sitting on the chair next to the bed. In their bed. Why was he here? "Magnus, why am I here?" Magnus almost fell down the chair. He looked up, eyes wide and wet. "Alec.." was all he said before jumping up and walking around the room. "ALEC, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM" He yelled. Alec looked Magnus. Like really looked. His clothes were quite baggy, he was barefoot, and there were dark circles under his eyes. "WHY DID YOU DO THAT?" He yelled once again, before slumping down on the chair. "I have given you everything I can, and yet here you are." He looked Alec deep in the eyes and whispered, "Why?"  
"Because I felt like I wasn't worth living. Like I was useless and nobody needs me!" He basically yelled. He had kept quiet for so long, it was actually kinda good. "Also, how the hell am I still alive?" he managed to ask.  
"Firstly, I saw you walking out of the drug store, and I replaced the pills with candy and later used the sleep spell. But Alec... Look, if nobody cared then why am I here? Why are Isabelle and Jace waiting for me to call them and tell them you are okay? Why Alec?"

Alec couldn't even be angry at Magnus for telling his siblings.  
"Hmm, let me think about it. My parents hate me because I'm a fag, Jace and Isabelle only worry because they are obligated to. I mean, they never listen to me, and you... you are here because you pity me." He looked Magnus deep in the eye. Before Magnus could reply, Alec continued his rant. "You only "love me" so you could get on my parent's good side! They are powerful allies to you, you wouldn't want them to hate you! Which is why I'm here! Because if I died, my parents and sibling would hate you!" He was crying when he finished. He could see the shock on Magnus' face, so he decided to use that. He jumped up and ran towards the bathroom. He knew exactly where the pills are. And this time he knew Magnus couldn't replace the pills. So he threw the cap open and tilted his head backwards when suddenly they fell down. 

"Alec, please, I'm sorry," Magnus whispered.  
"For what?" Alec spit out.  
"For not being there for you. For not noticing. I'm sorry. I will never leave you. I'm going to help you. I love you, okay? I don't care what your parents or your siblings think of me. I only care what you think of me. So please, come here. Let me help you! We can help you. I can help you feel happy again. Do you trust me?" Magnus was rambling.  
But Alec trusted him. He was so broken and bruised and he couldn't care less. He just wanted Magnus to hold him.

He wanted to trust him.

Later on, they just watched movies. Magnus didn't want to overwhelm Alec with anything right now. He knew they had a long road ahead of them, so he wanted to give Alec and himself a quiet night to calm down. But something was wrong. Alec sat on one end of the couch, Magnus on the other end. "Alec, why are you so distant?" Alec looked at Magnus and huffed. "Am not."  
"Alec, there is a two-meter space between us. Come here." Magnus opened his arms, and hesitantly, Alec moved between them. Magnus knew Alec still didn't trust him, but he would do anything to make him change his mind.  
"See, much better."  
Yes, Alec thought. Now I can't run away. "You want something to eat?" Magnus asked.  
"Nah, I'm good." He replied. In reality, he didn't want to do anything. He just wanted to sleep and never come back. "I'm going to bed," Alec told Magnus. Before Magnus got a chance to reply, Alec was out. He walked into their bedroom and threw himself on the bed. After laying there for a few moments, he got up and changed his clothes. He put on his sweatpants and started grabbing for his sweatshirt when suddenly he paused. It was horrible sleeping in that thing and he only did it to hide his scars. But now that Magnus knew... He decided to wear a t-shirt tonight, something he hadn't done in a few months. 

"Hey, are you sleeping?" No response. Magnus quietly sat down on the bed and looked at Alec. There were bandages around his arms, and he had changed into a t-shirt (which he hasn't worn in a long time. How come Magnus never noticed?) and sweatpants. He looked so peaceful. Like there were no worries and life was good. Magnus honestly didn't know what to do. Should he tell Alec's parents? But what would they do? They hate him, Magnus knew that. But Magnus couldn't just forget about it and pretend like Alec wasn't trying to kill himself. But what could he do? He could talk to Isabelle and Jace about it, and maybe they can watch over him.

Ugh. He will talk to Alec about it in the morning. Right now he's quite sleepy.

When he woke up, the first thing he noticed was an empty place next to him. What? Where the hell is Alec!  
"ALEC!" he yelled out. No answer. Damnit. He looked around the room and saw a letter on the nightstand, "Magnus" written on it. He quickly opened it and he could feel his heart start to beat normally. "Magnus, Jace called me this morning. There is a gang of vampires downtown, we went hunting them down. Don't worry, I'm okay."

But hours passed. And Alec still wasn't home. It was a quarter to nine when he saw a bright flame in his living room. When he got there, he saw it was a fire message from Isabelle. Why would she send him a letter? He read it quickly and was out of the house before he could read the last sentence.

"We were fighting the vampires when Alec suddenly dropped all of his weapons and the vampires attacked him. Please, come quick. He's lost a lot of blood.- Isabelle"

_________

The first thing Alec heard when he woke up was someone yelling "Alec, you are an absolute idiot." He opened his eyes and looked at Magnus. Suddenly he remembered what had happened last night. "I'm sorry, but..."  
"YOU'RE SORRY? What were you trying to do? Kill yourself? Didn't I make it clear enough? WHAT WAS YOUR PLAN?"  
Magnus was just pacing the room at this point, looking angrier than ever. He stopped at the foot of Alec's bed and looked at Alec. "Please, what were you doing?"  
Alec sighed. He looked around to make sure the room was empty, before looking back at Magnus.  
"I... uh," he stuttered out. He took a few moments to think about what to say before deciding to tell him the truth.  
"I just felt that this would be easier. You wouldn't need to worry about me all the time and make sure I won't hurt myself. You wouldn't need to deal with my problems and you could find somebody who's equal to you." he mumbled out and looked away. He couldn't face Magnus right now. Everything was quiet. He could hear the clock ticking, hear his breathing. Suddenly Magnus started laughing. Alec flinched. Was this really necessary? Did he really need to laugh so openly? He could feel Magnus coming closer to his, sitting on the bed. He took Alec's chin in his hands and made Alec look at him. Alec tried to fight it but gave up at the end. Better hear the hate now. But when he looked at Magnus, there was no disgust or hate in there. Only so much love. That got Alec confused before Magnus started talking.  
"Alec, remember when I told you that I love you? I meant it. You are the most important human being to me. I have never loved anybody as much as I love you. You are so sweet and caring and I could never hate you. Please believe me." He tried looking at Alec's face for some kind of trust or love or even rejection. But there was nothing. Suddenly Alec leaped out of bed and out of Magnus' hand. He was a shadowhunter after all. He grabbed a knife that he had hidden under his shelf. By the time he did that, Magnus had recovered from the shock and stood up from the bed. He could see the knife glistening in Alec's arm. The bandages were so light against his skin, and Magnus made sure not to scare Alec. Slowly he made his way around the bed and started walking towards Alec. When he got close enough he leaned in and hugged Alec with all his strength.  
"Alec, please, I'm so sorry. You have to believe me. I love you. Please. Put the knife down..." He was sobbing at this point. Seeing Alec- his soft, caring Alec- holding a knife made him really uneasy.

"Magnus...no," Alec says softly and pushes Magnus away from him. "It's too much." He says and tries to ignore the heartbreak on Magnus' face  
Magnus just looks at Alec with sadness in his eyes "Please. Alec. I'm sorry!"  
"Magnus, last time you told me that, I trusted you. Look at where we are now," he says, and looks at the knife, aimed at his heart. 

"I trusted you. But now I know I'm just too broken to fix. You told me you could help me feel happy again! But how is that supposed to happen if I'm just too weak? I'm beyond repair and there's NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO FIX ME!" He yelled the last part. He could see Magnus standing there, eyes wet, mouth gaping open. And then he broke down. He could feel the tears rolling down his cheeks, his legs buckling and giving out before he fell on the floor. He curled up in the corner, too weak to do anything else. Alec could feel the knife being removed from his hand, something warm covering him. He could hear Magnus saying comforting things to him as he held Alec so close, Alec could almost feel the pieces being put back together. 

They stayed like that for hours. At one point Alec fell asleep on Magnus' shoulder, just enjoying the warmth. He knew there was a long way to go. He knew he needed a lot of work. But that was okay.  
After talking to Jace and Izzy about everything (Magnus was by his side all the time), he came out to his parents. It went exactly as planned. They hated him. But everything was just a bit better when he heard his sibling yelling at Maryse and Robert for being bad parents. That night he cried, but Magnus was there to comfort him. And so were Clary and Jace, Izzy and Simon, and nearly everybody else he was friends with. They all told him how strong he was, how they always believed in him, how lucky they were to have such a strong role-model in their life. And Alec felt a lot better.

They had many more fights, they had their up's and down's, but it was okay. Alec could feel himself becoming so much stronger each day. He started seeing the happiness in little things. One of the biggest challenges was telling Magnus where his razor blade was so he could throw it out. But he did it. And Magnus told him how proud he was of Alec, how strong he was. And Alec believed him.

*6 years later* 

Alec came home, feeling like he had just been to hell and back. They had portaled out to Barcelona to kill some "almost extinct" demons, and as it turned out "almost extinct" was not "completely extinct". He was so tired and he just wanted a warm bath. But as he opened the door, a small blue figure ran to him and grabbed his leg. He bent down to lift the little warlock up.  
"Hey Maxy, what are you up to?" He said in a soft voice. The child just giggled and jumped on the floor, summoning a hot dog. Alec loved him, but seeing him use his powers to eat hot dogs was not his favorite thing.  
"Max, I've told you this before, no hot-"  
"Oh come on, give the kid a break. He's hungry!" Alec could hear Magnus fill in. Max just laughed and ran off to god knows where.  
"Magnus, Hot dogs are not a healthy food for a 3-year-old!"  
"But he's hungry!" Magnus argued and walked up to Alec, kissing him on the nose.  
"Besides, don't you just love it when I summon up some junk food for you?"  
"I have no idea what you're talking about," Alec said, putting on his innocent face.  
"Trust me, if the Clave found out I'm using my magic to summon up pizza for one of their best soldiers, they would kill me," Magnus said while conjuring up a pizza to show his point. Alec could only smile at that.  
"I trust you."


End file.
